Please Stay

It's been over two years since Amanda left us physically. Two years, one month and twenty-nine days since I have heard her voice, seen her smile, watched her sleep, cuddled her on the couch, heard her say "I love you too", been wrapped tightly in one of her daily hugs, stared admiringly at her as she walked away confidently, received some random weird text video about wanting food, or enjoyed the sound of her laughter. 

Amanda's friends still refer to our home as "Amanda's house" when they tell people where they are. It will always be Amanda's house, Amanda's BMW, Amanda's family and dog. You know... I'm totally okay with that too. It warms my heart from within. It means they still feel her here in our home and hopefully it will always be a place of comfort and security for them.

Even though it's been over two years since her death, she never leaves my mind and my heart still aches for her. I'm able to pull myself together every day by focusing on the good memories. I like to look over at the passenger seat of my car where she would have been rushing to put on her make up before school. I imagine her so vividly that I can feel her warmth next to me and see her look over at me and smile. I rarely have a day when I'm driving to work and my mind doesn't drift back to memories of the day we lost her and the days that followed. I replay every moment in slow motion, as tears gently burn their trace across my skin.  Where I was when I got the call, who was in the room with me, the guilt over not answering my phone on the first time Lauren called me because my meeting at work seemed more important, having to make those heart wrenching calls to the rest of our family to tell them to "Come home. Please come home". Having my boss walk me to her car to drive me home and pleading gently with God the whole way there. The overwhelming love and support from friends, family, and even strangers. Oh... And all of the flowers that were delivered that week. It's weird how something so beautiful can feel so suffocating.  I relive this almost every day. When I get to work, I dry my eyes, take a deep breath, and move forward. 

I don't want to remember that day or the time that followed, but it's a part of my memory just as strong as the day I gave birth to her. I wonder what it would be like if she were still here. What job she would have, who her boyfriend would be, what fashion style she would be rocking, and whether I would have been wise enough to know I should cherish everything about her or would I just take for granted each moment I had been blessed to share with her. Sometimes I hear the shenanigans her friends get into and think "well... At least I don't have to go through that or worry about Amanda making poor choices" and then I'm filled with instant regret because I would be so happy to have just one more argument or one night of lecturing her for coming home late. At least, in the end, I would have her here with me. She might be mad or disappointed that she was in trouble, but she would be here.

I don't like speaking in past tense, but that is what I am left with without her here. I don't want to tell how her story ended because the life she lived is so much more than that one moment in time. I've learned to say the word suicide without blinking, flinching, or crying in front of people. It's strange how people use suicide phrases in their daily vocabulary to express feelings or to joke around. I guess I never used to hear it before, I probably used to say use them myself more than I know, but now each word of those joking phrases jumps out and takes hold of my breath. Clutching my lungs tightly before slowly allowing me to breathe again.

It's sad and tragic that we must assign a specific month, week, or even one day devoted to suicide awareness and prevention. There has been increasing attention and focus on suicide prevention, especially after a beloved celebrity passed by their own hand. Yet, suicide still seems to be something that is whispered instead of talked about. I am not ashamed that my daughter left the world the way she did. I do not begrudge her for not speaking out and asking for help through a difficult time, even though with every ounce of my being I wish she had. That's the thing... people who are suicidal don't think logically. They are experiencing an internal pain which takes over their thought process and presents only one possible solution. I wish I could have stopped her from feeling sad or alone in that moment of despair. I wish my love would have been strong enough to keep her here. I've had people say it's hard to understand how Amanda could have made such a "selfish" decision, taking away her pain and transferring it to her family and friends. In a moment of despair, you don't always stop to imagine how the world would be darkened without your light or have the ability to picture your life getting better. Whether you are 16 and experiencing a break up with the love of your life or 60 and tired of feeling numb and hollow, the depth of emotional desperation is immeasurable. You truly believe that no one will understand your pain or that no one can make you feel whole again. 

This is where I need to you to listen though.  Those voices in your head are WRONG. You WILL make it through. You are NOT going to feel this way forever. This world WOULD be dark and sad without you in it. YES... even perfect strangers will ache at the loss of you. There are so many people who would do anything to help you. To listen to your story and sing a song of hope to your soul. You matter. If you are thinking that suicide is your only way out. It isn't. You say you don't want to burden anyone with your pain, but the pain you would leave them to deal with would me 100 x's worse. Trust me. Stop thinking about the rope, the gun, the pills, the knife, and any other exit strategy you've been planning. Reach out to someone. Anyone. None of us were meant to journey through this world alone. Please keep living. Please... Please stay.

You are loved beyond measure. Live wisely and always choose the right. 

Please post a candle in your front window at 8:00pm on September 10th in honor of world suicide prevention day.

Graduation Day

To Amanda's senior friends -

This message is to all of Amanda's friends who are finishing up their last day(s) of high school and who have already, or who are now preparing to walk across that graduation stage. We are so proud of you. We know that your high school journey was filled with many ups and downs. You experienced friends who brought new life into this world and the loss of friends dear to you. You've gone through trials that pushed you to grow into young adults faster than expected. Some of you have stumbled along the way and some of you shared your strength to help those who had fallen to stand back up again. If you are one who has stumbled, I hope you don't beat yourself up over it. We've all been there a time or two. As Amanda once said "live and let learn . Brush it off. There would be no learning if everyone didn't step off their path for a while."

Many of you have expressed how wrong it feels to graduate without Amanda walking beside you. While we feel that too, I also believe she will be walking that stage THROUGH you. Because each and every accomplishment and struggle, she has been there to whisper guidance and encourage you to choose the right.

I was a little bummed that the MHS principal wouldn't consider having an extra seat left open for your two missing classmates or let Amanda's dog, Spike, walk on her behalf because he didn't want to glorify the actions that caused their death. I was bummed, but I understand. Sometimes adults think they know what's best for you "kids". He is just looking out for you.

What I realize now is that you are aren't kids anymore. You are now young adults and you don't need an empty seat to acknowledge the loss you have felt and how you wish your friends could be there with you. They will be.

Mrs. Baham was kind enough to get our family tickets to the graduation and it will be our honor to be there in the stands to celebrate your journey.

Just because you are graduating, don't think you need to have your life figured out. You have plenty of years left to be an adult. Take time to explore your options and become the person that brings you the most joy in your life.

Please know we will always be here for you. To give a warm hug, listen, make you tacos, whatever you need (except college homework help - I'm done with homework!)

Live wisely and always choose the right.

Sincerely - The Andrews

Spiritual Self Reliance

Spiritual Self Reliance

Last week my husband and I were asked to give a talk in church on spiritual self reliance, so I thought I'd share my talk with you too. 

The topic sounded like a contradiction in itself. I've always felt I like spiritual self reliance isn't about becoming independent of god, but becoming completely dependent on him. Our Heavenly Father is there and a relationship with him is essential to building spiritual strength. Yes, he wants us to be independent in our temporal needs, but he has shown us over and over again, through scripture and revelation that he has not sent us here to walk this world alone.

In the end we can't be spiritually self-reliant because we're completely dependent on God. Stop trying to be self-reliant in that area; say "Uncle". Think of the hymns: "I Need Thee Every Hour" and the line from "Guide Us O Thou Great Jehovah" that says "we are weak but thou art able..." He gives us tools, but we need to create a quiet place/ time in our lives so that we can tune in. Nobody else can get you to Heaven...you have to have your own testimony.

The blessings of temporal self-reliance become obvious in times of crises, but spiritual self-reliance is equally crucial in difficult times. Those with firm spiritual foundations are blessed with peace, reassurance, and greater faith when calling on Heavenly Father for help.

When our sweet Amanda passed away the weight of our loss was so heavy that I did the only thing I knew would help me through. I prayed.

I asked The Lord to carry my heartache until I was strong enough to carry it on my own. To lend me His strength so I could be there for our family and all of Amanda's friends.

Before her physical body left our home, her father gave her a priesthood blessing. The police officers who responded to our home stood amongst us, heads reverently bowed, tears in their eyes, leaning on the strength of OUR faith.

When our home was filled that evening with about fifty of Amanda's family and friends, I knew the one blessing that we could share with them was the assurance that Heavenly Father would not leave them alone in their sorrow, so we gathered everyone together and offered up a prayer of comfort for them.

When I spoke to the representatives at One Legacy about organ donation, I knew without question that it was what she and Heavenly Father would want us to do. But when I was asked about donating her arm and leg bones I had to run outside and ask my husband "you're sure about us being restored to our most perfect form right? Cause if not Amanda's going to be really mad!" A year later I went through the temple to help amanda receive her endowments. During the washing and anointing part when the blessing says "you will walk and not be weary, run and not be faint" I heard amanda say, "See mom, I'm fine!" And I cried like a baby in relief. I already knew the answer to that question, but The Lord sent his reassurance anyway.

During Amanda's viewing and memorial service I felt like I, as well as my family, had arms wrapped around us. I never once thought to myself, "I can handle this on my own." Instead I gave myself up completely to The Lord and allowed him to help guide me through.  

When brother Mike Miller spoke at her service about the plan of salvation, I felt like The Lord was speaking directly to me, through him. Reminding me that Jesus was standing by Amanda's side pleading her case to our father in heaven. When one of her sisters questioned how god could take her Sister away, I held her tight and said "He is just as sad as we are. But he wants you to know that even though this was not his doing, he sent angels into our home to carry her spirit to him" The adversary wants us to believe this was gods doing so we will turn away from our one true savior. He knows the only way for us to see the blessings we received in the temple when our family was sealed together come to fruition is if we don't let our faith be shaken. Satan preyed on Amanda's moment of desperation, but he doesn't realize he lost because we have all just grown closer to god.

When a lady at the nail salon asked me in all sincerity if Mormons believed that suicide was a sin and that our daughter would go to hell. I looked her straight in the eyes and told her that the beauty of Heavenly Father is that he loves and forgives us all. That I can move forward each day because I know with every bit of my heart, mind, and soul that she is with Him.

When we were inspired to start the Amanda Panda CTR foundation to share the message to choose the right, I got on my knees to ask The Lord what he wanted me to do and how I, personally, should share this valuable message. I listened for his promptings and then followed them without question. When I have someone reach out to me  on our Facebook pledge page in a moment of despair, I always stop and ask Heavenly Father how I should respond, and if it's a teenager in need, I ask amanda to help me phrase what The Lord wants me to say in a way that will connect with someone her age.  I talk to them or text them until I am comfortable that they are okay. At the end of those moments, when I can finally let out a sigh of relief, I give thanks and say "WE did it. We saved another life today." I don't say "I" or "You" but we, because it is my reliance on Heavenly Father that I may hear and receive his message and my willingness to set aside my own thoughts to relay what he knows his special child needs to hear. This to me is spiritual self reliance.

I've shared this dream with some, but I'd like to share it with you again. This dream happened about a month after Amanda passed away. This dream was significant because I had stopped having dreams with amanda in them, just as had everyone else in our family. So when this dream occurred it was a reassurance of things I felt I knew, but spoken to me in a way I could understand them. I remember there was a faint odor coming from the side of our house. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. Spike was looking at me like "can I make this anymore obvious... Follow me" When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran happily inside.  Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.

Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot though and find great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing Heavenly Father's work.  It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that following Spike was like following the spirit. if you are willing to listen and follow the spirit's promptings, good things will await you and you will be guided to the path that brings you to Him and those you love.

On another night, more recently, Amanda was on my mind a lot and I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed reading. I heard her dog, Spike, start to whimper in his sleep and I wondered if he was having a bad dream. Then my mind raced to a thought that maybe he missed Amanda. Then I thought "what if he doesn't remember her?" And my tears started to fall like a faucet that had been left on. "Does she miss US? Does she miss me?" It was a moment of sad desperation. A mother needing to know that her daughter loved her and missed her. It's weird because I usually feel so secure in this knowledge, but this night, I needed a sign. I needed to know with all my heart that my Amanda loved me and missed me as much as i did her. I selfishly wanted to know that she was sad too. Not so sad that she couldn't be happy or that her heart ached from longing, but enough to miss us. So I prayed. I prayed that God would let her know how much I loved and missed her and that He would give a sign that she loved and missed me too. I prayed and I cried.

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. I was deep in a world of comfort and much needed rest when I I was awoken by a kiss. A soft kiss planted gently on the upper left side of my lip. I moved my hand to that spot in bewilderment and confusion. When I touched that spot I felt a tiny seed of moisture right above where the sensation on my lip still lingered. A teardrop. I rubbed the moisture between my thumb and trigger finger in disbelief. Then I quickly felt my eyes to see if I was crying in my sleep. I wasn't. I sat up and studied my husbands sleeping position to see if maybe he gleeked me, but he was facing the opposite direction. As I searched desperately for a legitimate answer, I heard a tender chuckle say "mama... You asked for God and I to send you a sign. Why is it so hard to believe He would answer your prayer?" "I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I am ALWAYS with you."

So you may be thinking I'm crazy and that's okay because it's hard for me to believe too, but I am just going to try and accept it for what it was and needs to be for me. God heard my plea and answered my prayer. He allowed Amanda to give me a tender kiss and when she did, a tear drop fell from her eyes. She loves us. She misses us. And she is always with me. God hears our every prayer. The answers will come if we are patient and faithful. He will not leave us alone. He wants us to turn to him not just our moments of sorrow, but to lift up our voices in gratitude for all the subtle blessings in our life.

Having such strong spiritual connections to our Heavenly Father does not free us from the burdens and challenges of life. You may notice that I usually leave after sacrament. This new life of ours has brought with it challenges of dealing with depression and a need to experience more calmness and quiet moments with The Lord. I find myself sitting in our backyard having conversations with God as I soak in the sounds of a hummingbird stealing nectar from our flowers or feeling a gentle breeze swish through our trees. Each moment becomes a personal connection between the savior, The Lord, Amanda, and myself. I don't just wait for significant moments of beauty to remind me of this beautiful gift of life we have been given, I constantly seek out those moments. His love is all around us, it's in the laughter that fills our home from having Amanda's best friends over all the time. Itstares back at me from the eyes of Amanda's best friends little baby, Nathan. It's in the hugs and smiles my daughters share. I have a strong spiritual connection with The Lord because I WANT to have one, so I make an effort to keep him near.

Heavenly Father wants us to wrap HIS arms around ourselves, to carry his spirit with us always so our testimony can be a beacon of light to others. He wants us to be spiritually self reliant by being dependent upon him, not independent from him. I don't wish for anyone to experience the loss we have, but I do wish you could each have something that opens your heart and soul to the revelation that the relationship you have with your Heavenly Father is the most important one you will ever experience. I pray that you will find peace and strength in the knowledge that he is there to guide you through this journey back to Him.

The Words I Would Say

When I think of what Amanda would tell her friends to encourage them to keep living and not make the same mistake she did, this song by the Sidewalk Prophets often comes to mind. Be strong in The Lord and never give up hope. 

Live wisely and always choose the right.

Tears From Heaven

Have you ever prayed so hard for something that tears poured down your face and your heart ached from such a heavy plea? Well... I will go on record and say most days and nights I'm okay, but there are these moments when my heart is longing for Amanda and knowing I have to wait until we meet again in heaven is not enough for me. I know I can't have her back in the physical realm with us, so my prayers are never unrealistic. I usually pray that she is happy, knows how much we love and miss her, that she is able to watch over us and send us signs of her presence in our every day lives, and that she is growing and learning while building our castle in heaven. 

The other night, Amanda was on my mind a lot and I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed reading. I heard her dog, Spike, start to whimper in his sleep and I wondered if he was having a bad dream. Then my mind raced to a thought that maybe he missed Amanda. Then I thought "what if he doesn't remember her?" And my tears started to fall like a faucet that had been left on. "Does she miss US? Does she miss me?" It was a moment of sad desperation. A mother needing to know that her daughter loved her and missed her. It's weird because I usually feel so secure in this knowledge, but this night, I needed a sign. I needed to know with all my heart that my Amanda loved me and missed me as much as i did her. I selfishly wanted to know that she was sad too. Not so sad that she couldn't be happy or that her heart ached from longing, but enough to miss us. So I prayed. I prayed that God would let her know how much I loved and missed her and that He would give a sign that she loved and missed me too. I prayed and I cried. 

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. I was deep in a world of comfort and much needed sleep when I was awoken by a kiss. A soft kiss planted gently on the upper left side of my lip. I moved my hand to that spot in bewilderment and confusion. When I touched that spot I felt a tiny seed of moisture right above where the sensation on my lip still lingered. A teardrop. I rubbed the moisture between my thumb and trigger finger in disbelief. Then I quickly felt my eyes to see if I was crying in my sleep. I wasn't. I sat up and studied my husbands sleeping position to see if maybe he gleeked me, but he was facing the opposite direction. As I searched desperately for a legitimate answer, I heard a tender chuckle in my mind say "mama... You asked for God and I to send you a sign. Why is it so hard to believe He would answer your prayer?" "I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I am ALWAYS with you." 

So you may be reading this thinking I'm crazy and that's okay because it's hard for me to believe too, but I am just going to try and accept it for what it was and needs to be for me. God heard my plea and answered my prayer. He allowed Amanda to give me a tender kiss and when she did, a tear drop fell from her eyes. She loves us. She misses us. And she is always with me. God hears our every prayer. The answers will come if we are patient and faithful. He will not leave us alone. For His love and the love of my sweet family, I will always be grateful and never question their depth again. 

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